Exactly how i feel at this very moment


Arfa seriously your awesome...and this blog entry has everything ive wanted to say.
Read this and decide if the lady who wrote this is not and i quote "As in I see these people who are so good at writing, blogging, and are well-versed. I can write well in poetry, but articles, not so much. Short stories? No. Creative? No. Well-versed? Psssh."
Ive been doing this same thing for ages writing emo blogposts and then well dey get saved soo..
but ive decided im going to delete all of them, take an intiative you know.After all..
 kabhi kabhi aditi zindagi mien koi acha lagta hai,
kabhi kabhi woh bechar jata hai

Catch me if you can


I chose this title for this post for two reasons mainly;the first being that i was just watching that movie LEONARDO DI CAPRIO!!!!!!!!
The other reason is well plainly becaus it fits quite well to describe the epiphany i had today.
Epiphany being im not going to chase after anyone anymore;literally; its thier turn to come after me now.
Im tired in everysense possible.
Im going to stop trying to live upto everyones version of me and just attempt finding me.The me that i had lost somewhere along this maze.
SO best of luck to me eh....

Already gone

Remeber all the things we wanted....
Now all our memories thier haunted...

We were always meant to say goodbye...
We were never meant  for do or die.....                                   

Overworked and stressed out

I am literally and seriously tired of everything and lately everyone.
I just cant keep myself from letting out a little bitchyness now and then.
I mean its too much work all this studying, trying to keep up with thoes einstiens in our year.
And to what yield.
Im getting really low marks on MY WEEKLY TESTS.
I dont want this anymore.
Im trying to be nice and friendly and make friends.Alas no one cares.I cannot just cannot make friends as easy as some other people i know.
I miss the good ol days.Back when i was exited to go in AS levels,surrounded by mature people.Maybe there i might find some solace.But no.Maybe this is just the TWS effect but i feel the people in As are even more imature and creepy then in 9/10/11.
Why does life have to be such a popularity contest!!!!!!why!!!why???
I want to live but life insists on smothering me, until...until what im exhausted and.....dead..
I feel used by my friends, by everyone.Like no one would want to know me if i wasnt smart.
Why would they???

And i feel i was really mean to this friend of mine saba...so many apologies to her....

The girl in the mirror


A chanced look at myself in the mirror;a old photo, enough to trigger a escapade of pent up emotions.
I look at myself now, compare my weary face with the bags under my eyes and the frown lines that appear to be etched into my forhead.Compare that to this picture of me taken way back like when i was in 7 or 6.
I cant believe so much has changed.Im a different person,essentialy,i understand more now,i kow things that i wish i ahd known back then.
Like never to love, never to let anyone into your secret fortress.They always break your trust, make you resntful and make you loathe and mistrust everything and everyone.
Makes you a cold hearted ice bitch as one "friend" called me.
When i love, i tend to love.In everypossible way you can love someone.I become this needy and soul-sucking demon-ish person.
I give and I give and yet never get anything in return.
Ive always needed a pair of wings to shield myslef against the cruel and unjust world.I guess ive always been too insecure to experience life for my self.To be independant,which, despite all my claims, im not.
I wish someone had told me before hand that all this was going to haappen, that i was going to end up this miserable wreck of a person.Untrusting and with a semifrozen heart.
What a word right, a friend just now told me she would like to help me.
But can she.
Can anyone....
Or am i really so beyond reapir even divine intervention cant save me.

the emo virus

Im here i love you,i dont care if you need to stay up crying all night ill stay here with you.
thers nothing you can ever do to loose my love.
I will proyect you until you die,even after your death ill still protect you.
I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

                                                                                    -eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
It seems to all around us;me;nowadys;people just just breaking apart.And me feeling all helpless and unable to do anything at all for them.Any one who might know me even the slightest bit may know that i do not like being in such situations.
Im usually the sort of person that is on top of everything.Planning ahead for almost everything.Ever prepared and ready to roll...Quiet the contol freak.
But as it turns out i cannot master a situation where im supoosed to help a person in distress.I dont know what to say.How not to be sarcastic.Be a bright little ray of sunshine.Maybe thats exactly why i havent really been there for me much either.
And here i tjought i may have a dgree in physocoly.tsk tsk.
I dont understand what im going through right now,my thoughts are so muddled,my brain is more or less a haze;being the selfish little ambilvlant i am, cant really find it inside my self to help anyone.To offer words of comfort.
And not being in control of it all just freaks me out i guess.I want to help;i want to be there butt i dont know dont understand what im supposed to say supposed to do.
And yet again this blog entry ends with me trying to shake off the ever looming and ever present and extremly unwanted company of depression and lonliness.
Maybe one day ill be able to solve my own issues with everything and be able to be there for my friends.
Maybe i could be a good friend a good shoulder to cry on.

Right now just attempting to perfect il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).
im my favourite and possibly the sexies language i want to know....italiano...


I know i have been absent from the blogging scene for quite some time.My sincerest apologies.
I felt the need to vent today all of a sudden.
So heres what happened, I went to sleep in a total complete stae of bliss, not a care in the world and dove headfirst into the sack(literally).
I woke up a bit earlier than i usually do to find myself all depressed and weak.Curled into a shivering ball sobbing my eyes out bneath blankets all the while trying to remail quite (no easy feat let me tell you).I could not and still cannot fathom the reason behind this.
Why why why.Is the question ive been asking my self for the part hour and a half.
I thought i was happy, slightly more so compared to my usual morose self.Turns out my body has learned to decieve as well.
First it was just a facade, a smile on my lips,forced,conversating with my frinds my family all ceery,forced.Now the rest of me has learned to play along.To act like nothing wrong.Just drift through this haze looking all shiny and unschathed.Had to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really try to find joy in things people do.In having good grades in family in the company of caring friends.I thought i was, turning normal that is.
Apparently my mind refuses to continue this charade any longer.
I dont understand what im feeling.I feel like im missing something i desperatly want and need something.
What What is the only question that remains  now.
I cannot keep doing this any longer.
I cannot keep pretending its fine.
But i cannot as it is just burst out in front of every one,tell everyone what in feeling, see what they think.
Maybe because i dont want counselling, or maybe i do.
All i know is that i dont want to be a green alien anylonger.

sono il suo schiavo!