My head hurts

There are so many thoughts swirling through my head right now.Studies; Family,the fact that i dont want to go to school,the fact that i want someone to shoot me.I dont understand one word our bio teacher says, or anyother teachers.
Im amazed at how people are all togather and im in Ry's word"all over the place".
I cant seem to concentrate on my studies.
I need to stop taking so many breaks.
I need to get my head in those freaking books who keep staring at me with thier evil eyes.
I dont know how i have so many things on my mind i keep philosophsizing so much, really i keep thinking of god knows what and time just passes by.
I really need to relax, take deep breaths, and make a plan.Make a timetable.DO SOMETHING.
I wish everything wasnt so complicated.
I wish i didnt feel like such an alien on this planet.In this universe actually.
Put on a smile and walk out of this house, i easily decieve so many but can i decive me?If so how long before it catches up to me.
Practicals are coming up and i dont even know half the things there.
Is there an off switch for your brain.please say yes.
Dear God:i believe in you and try to be optimistic and try to look for the silver lining but so far all i see are dark clouds and it dosent even bloody rain. I know i am an ungrateful freak but HELP

Is this a friendly universe

Normally i'd go with a yes maybe.
But nowadys im not so sure.
When did we get so selfish and greedy.Ready to trample all over your "friends"your "family" just to get what you want,What you think you deserve.
You hurt everyone and everything on your way and you dont even care.Reaching for the stars you lose your hold on the earth.
Is that ok?
Is that justified to everyone else?
Dont you have even a bit of consience left in you, a bit of heart left in you.
What are you going to do all alone in this world.No companion no oven to listen to you.Are you so blinded by wealth that you lost track of who you once were.
Funny that i can feel my heart breaking.No really i can actually hear it shatter into a million tiny irrestorable shards much like a glass.
I dont know why i just wrote this.Its been on my mind for a long time.
Listening to music watching the same consisant life pass by in a blur tends to put things in prespective eh?
How did i get so philosophical.
Im trying to figure out what i want from life what i want to ask the universe.Happiness?success?love?
Maybe a porshe or a limbourgini.

-------Time is an illusion said Albert einstine.Id just like to point out to him wheres it going then?

Im a freak

I am a super;big time completely totally a freak.
Only my twisted and wierd mind can find fault in the wierdest of things.
Only I can find emoness in the most absurd places possible.
Really only i can make a completely normal day into a depressing bore ,
I dont understand whats wrong with me.
I should be happy.Im making friends, im getting an award,i got a 16/20 in my bio weekly and im finally cathing up.
Then why the sad face.
Why do i still need 2 plaster a fake smile on my face so no will ask me whats wrong.(I really dont know whats wrong).
I need to make changes in my personalitity in my lifestyle, my "emoness".
Or do i really find comfort in this misery is that why i cant let go.This book the secret says we need to have a positive mind as we give out positive vibes,so we attract positive thoughts,why can my stupid brain no think happy thoughts.They have to be there somewhere.This is so annoying.

P.S. people really need to be thought some manners mainly on how a person is to be treated, i mean u cant just ignore or push away the person whose talking to you and start flirting with some loser in arabic.
Guys need to learn how to treat girls, and learn to edit thier jokes.
And respect another persons space.
I try to be mean and tough but it just gets screwed up because of my stupid consience.

Exactly how i feel at this very moment


Arfa seriously your awesome...and this blog entry has everything ive wanted to say.
Read this and decide if the lady who wrote this is not and i quote "As in I see these people who are so good at writing, blogging, and are well-versed. I can write well in poetry, but articles, not so much. Short stories? No. Creative? No. Well-versed? Psssh."
Ive been doing this same thing for ages writing emo blogposts and then well dey get saved soo..
but ive decided im going to delete all of them, take an intiative you know.After all..
 kabhi kabhi aditi zindagi mien koi acha lagta hai,
kabhi kabhi woh bechar jata hai

Catch me if you can


I chose this title for this post for two reasons mainly;the first being that i was just watching that movie LEONARDO DI CAPRIO!!!!!!!!
The other reason is well plainly becaus it fits quite well to describe the epiphany i had today.
Epiphany being im not going to chase after anyone anymore;literally; its thier turn to come after me now.
Im tired in everysense possible.
Im going to stop trying to live upto everyones version of me and just attempt finding me.The me that i had lost somewhere along this maze.
SO best of luck to me eh....

Already gone

Remeber all the things we wanted....
Now all our memories thier haunted...

We were always meant to say goodbye...
We were never meant  for do or die.....                                   

Overworked and stressed out

I am literally and seriously tired of everything and lately everyone.
I just cant keep myself from letting out a little bitchyness now and then.
I mean its too much work all this studying, trying to keep up with thoes einstiens in our year.
And to what yield.
Im getting really low marks on MY WEEKLY TESTS.
I dont want this anymore.
Im trying to be nice and friendly and make friends.Alas no one cares.I cannot just cannot make friends as easy as some other people i know.
I miss the good ol days.Back when i was exited to go in AS levels,surrounded by mature people.Maybe there i might find some solace.But no.Maybe this is just the TWS effect but i feel the people in As are even more imature and creepy then in 9/10/11.
Why does life have to be such a popularity contest!!!!!!why!!!why???
I want to live but life insists on smothering me, until...until what im exhausted and.....dead..
I feel used by my friends, by everyone.Like no one would want to know me if i wasnt smart.
Why would they???

And i feel i was really mean to this friend of mine many apologies to her....

The girl in the mirror


A chanced look at myself in the mirror;a old photo, enough to trigger a escapade of pent up emotions.
I look at myself now, compare my weary face with the bags under my eyes and the frown lines that appear to be etched into my forhead.Compare that to this picture of me taken way back like when i was in 7 or 6.
I cant believe so much has changed.Im a different person,essentialy,i understand more now,i kow things that i wish i ahd known back then.
Like never to love, never to let anyone into your secret fortress.They always break your trust, make you resntful and make you loathe and mistrust everything and everyone.
Makes you a cold hearted ice bitch as one "friend" called me.
When i love, i tend to love.In everypossible way you can love someone.I become this needy and soul-sucking demon-ish person.
I give and I give and yet never get anything in return.
Ive always needed a pair of wings to shield myslef against the cruel and unjust world.I guess ive always been too insecure to experience life for my self.To be independant,which, despite all my claims, im not.
I wish someone had told me before hand that all this was going to haappen, that i was going to end up this miserable wreck of a person.Untrusting and with a semifrozen heart.
What a word right, a friend just now told me she would like to help me.
But can she.
Can anyone....
Or am i really so beyond reapir even divine intervention cant save me.

the emo virus

Im here i love you,i dont care if you need to stay up crying all night ill stay here with you.
thers nothing you can ever do to loose my love.
I will proyect you until you die,even after your death ill still protect you.
I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

                                                                                    -eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
It seems to all around us;me;nowadys;people just just breaking apart.And me feeling all helpless and unable to do anything at all for them.Any one who might know me even the slightest bit may know that i do not like being in such situations.
Im usually the sort of person that is on top of everything.Planning ahead for almost everything.Ever prepared and ready to roll...Quiet the contol freak.
But as it turns out i cannot master a situation where im supoosed to help a person in distress.I dont know what to say.How not to be sarcastic.Be a bright little ray of sunshine.Maybe thats exactly why i havent really been there for me much either.
And here i tjought i may have a dgree in physocoly.tsk tsk.
I dont understand what im going through right now,my thoughts are so muddled,my brain is more or less a haze;being the selfish little ambilvlant i am, cant really find it inside my self to help anyone.To offer words of comfort.
And not being in control of it all just freaks me out i guess.I want to help;i want to be there butt i dont know dont understand what im supposed to say supposed to do.
And yet again this blog entry ends with me trying to shake off the ever looming and ever present and extremly unwanted company of depression and lonliness.
Maybe one day ill be able to solve my own issues with everything and be able to be there for my friends.
Maybe i could be a good friend a good shoulder to cry on.

Right now just attempting to perfect il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).
im my favourite and possibly the sexies language i want to know....italiano...


I know i have been absent from the blogging scene for quite some time.My sincerest apologies.
I felt the need to vent today all of a sudden.
So heres what happened, I went to sleep in a total complete stae of bliss, not a care in the world and dove headfirst into the sack(literally).
I woke up a bit earlier than i usually do to find myself all depressed and weak.Curled into a shivering ball sobbing my eyes out bneath blankets all the while trying to remail quite (no easy feat let me tell you).I could not and still cannot fathom the reason behind this.
Why why why.Is the question ive been asking my self for the part hour and a half.
I thought i was happy, slightly more so compared to my usual morose self.Turns out my body has learned to decieve as well.
First it was just a facade, a smile on my lips,forced,conversating with my frinds my family all ceery,forced.Now the rest of me has learned to play along.To act like nothing wrong.Just drift through this haze looking all shiny and unschathed.Had to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really try to find joy in things people do.In having good grades in family in the company of caring friends.I thought i was, turning normal that is.
Apparently my mind refuses to continue this charade any longer.
I dont understand what im feeling.I feel like im missing something i desperatly want and need something.
What What is the only question that remains  now.
I cannot keep doing this any longer.
I cannot keep pretending its fine.
But i cannot as it is just burst out in front of every one,tell everyone what in feeling, see what they think.
Maybe because i dont want counselling, or maybe i do.
All i know is that i dont want to be a green alien anylonger.

sono il suo schiavo!


Idiot bimbo1:Why is the kaabah blakc?
Even more idiotic imbo 2:Duh!coz blacks hot.
Me:WTH *stunned silience*
O wait it does get better, the islamic teacher is standing there and just laughs it off.
What gets me even more pissed is the fact NO ONE said anything to that freak.NOt even me,granted im not the stand up and start fighting kind of person,the least i could have done have attempted to knock some sense into that thick skull of her.
Im not gonna mention a name,because even though i dont think she has enough brain in her to be able to read,I have managed to get into trouble for mentioning names (courtsey a few).
What amazes me is how can someone mock thier own religion like that,and not be rebuked by an entire class of what 20 students not to mention a really elderly islamic teacher.

does this picture not make sense???
Image from postsecret :D

pictures say a thousand words

I've been roaming around always lookin down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that i could use somebody....

Ive always wanted you....Always needed....Always loved you

You were the only thing that held me togather,when i was so close to the edge....

Every kiss.....every touch.....the way you held me.....

I miss it all,But most of all.....i miss you

Images from here

I still dont know what to do

Ive always known id want to be somebody not just anybody,i want to travel the world, i want to live on my own terms.I want to be free with no one to hold me back(the reason the im against marriage)
My dreams my aspirations my professions have changed every month every week sometimes.One day i want to be a vampire slayer anotheri want to be a secret agent(Bear in mind i was 12).I always thopught id know what i want to do when tyhe time comes.
But now when its time to actually choose a path in completely flabbergasted.Seriously,I have no frigging idea as to what i want to do.I just know i want to be really rich and travel and stuff.
So if you people would help me and leave some suggestions as to what you think i should do.PLEASE

P.s.I ahve a black theme wohooooo


I’ve been tagged and given this FABULOUS AWARD by CLosedeyes for my blog Somewhere over the rainbow.Thank you sweetheart for this award.your blog is amzing and i love it.

The rules for this award:
* List 5 obsessions
* Pass the award to 5 other blogs, with their links
* Make sure you leave a comment on their blog, so they know about it
* Link to the person that gave you the award.

Remember do not pass any judgements on my....obsessions..

Ive watched countless documentraies about this place.Thers something about this place that is completely alluring.From the eiffel tower to the museums to the parks and even the people.

Edward cullen.Angel.lestat.I mean if vampires are so hot and dowwnright amazing why obsesses over normal guys no???
3.the one who haunts my dreams

Havent met him yet and dont think i ever will seeing as each passing week the bar goes higher and higher.I blame hollywood:P
I dont understand what is with me and this word.i have subconsiously said it to so many people.I lost count after the 20th

mmmm is all that comes to mind when i think of this amzingly soft and melts in your mouth warm delicacy.the person who gave us choclate whoever you are thank you so much.
just the

Movies songs real life.Whatever im obsessed with it.we all want a bit of it in our lives right?

I tag Arfa richa naina if i can find her and mariam


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.
I read this on a blog "live love and learn".
Ive read this somewhere before i dont remember where.I remember that hese words kindof i dunno just started resonating through me.I could acually hear it,so many different versions of it.
Now ive been thinking,(i know i do a lot of that).
But why is it that i spend almost all my time thinking about Me, I
There are 7 billion people on this planet,why cant i be like arfa or smething care about others except for just be so obessed with ME.
I do everything to please others.
Im a pushover for that reason.
Why is it so important for me to be liked.To be in a clique.
Why do I have to let myself be sucked into a vortex of endless depression by little things.
I know my thoughts make no sense and have no match with the title at all.But somehow eventhough my brain is at this very moment telling me its wrong to just expose my self, my thoughts on the world wide web,I just cant seem to control my fingers from moving across this keyboard.

I know my blogs dont seem normal or sane at all.Im even thinking of deactivating it.
I dont know anymore.
BUt i would really appreciate it if you would leave a comment on my blog as it encourages me.

Drama queen

Why do people have this annoying habit of over reacting.Maybe its the fast getting to thier brains.Maybe its the fact that these people are downright moronic.Whatever the reason be,I do not think they have any right at all to jump to coclusions wiothoiut hearing the entire story.
Is it really necessary to exxagerate things and Ugh.....
None of my thoughts are making sense right now.
Im hungry and im pretty sure ive dehyrated.
And here i was thinking lets be calm and happy during ramadan.Lets not try to think about murder and suicide...Lets just spend the next 30 days in euphoria.See how well that turned out.
Sometimes i think the idea of having friends is completely and utterly idiotic.
Why do you need relationships even not just friendship, when you know these are the people that will eventually attempt to rip your heart out.And will forever loom in the shadows waiting to pounce on you waiting to just tear you appart.
Maybe im a drama queen, and maybe im exxagerating this.
Whatever.I dont even care anymore.


Yeah thats right i just found out that i do not have a favourite colour.
I mean yesterday i asked 2 people and they promptly replied.Then the question came to me i was...well actually..stomped.I just wrote all the colours that came to my mind.And apparently im a rainbow colour person

.....hollow sound

Thats the sound you would here if you were to rap my head right about now.i know this seems like a bit of an exxageration but i am literally bored outta my mind.
Arfa you blogged the very thing ive been thinking ever since...i dunno forever.
UAE has nothing fun to do...which well affordable
So lets randomly blabber i thought to myself.
First up is why the hell is everything in this freaking country so costly????DO they not realize the fact that normal people also reside in this country, who have to pay thier rent and dont get a free villa courtesy the goverment!!!!
I have begun to seriously dislike the tv.
I mean really what is the harm in playing a normal movie once in a while and mbc4 please note:were not all arabs.We like to watch stuff that we can actually understand and just stare at perfectly made up arab versions of barbie nad ken!!!!
Indian soaps are blah...But kudos to you for finally dropping the sas on bahu and vice versa crap and starting up the issue of polygmy in almost every serial.
The only thing left to watch on tv is scrubs and thats just on on sunday.
I want to try to make a choclate soufflae...or rather have someone make it for me and eat it.
Its amazing to finally taste normal dahi.Pakistan dahi is so....pure.I mean no preservatives or artificial flavours.How else are we supposed to enjoy yougurt and at the same time contract awful diseases.Tsk tsk.
Wow i think this post just turened into a rant.
Huh this really must be a case of monday blues i supposes.
Lets see if tuesday fares any better.

Boy do i have a few things on my mind.......

Well ladies and gentelmen im back to my hometown of dxb, and let me tell you it feels amazing to be back in the desert.
Ofcourse i miss the not being able to sleep at night because the light goes of every 10 seconds.Ok exxageration an hour, and then staying up all night talking with my cousins about nothing and everthing at the sametime.
Just packing up getting in a car and heading to god knows where in the middle of the night(my cousing drove ofcourse seeing as im not allowed anywhere near a steering wheel, since one itsy bitsy disatorous attempt after another and then another)
But i finally figured whats the difference between the break and the race.
My house was a mess.....took me ages to get it back to gather.
I wonder how it is that men do not seem even the least bit botherd about this fact.
How can anyone be surrounded by a pile of dust and junk in a place that looked and smelled like someone had been brutally murderded here and then left here to rot.And now as our maid back in pakistan used to say "mien chuk par gayi hai"......
What i miss most about pakistan is....

I felt amazingly refreshing to be surrounded by family who constanly pick at your flwas and throw water at you again and again despit the evil eye i gave them quite a few times.The amazing scenery's of ayubia and nathakali.
I learned how to actually be useful in the kitchen and not just hover around and chat and irritate people.And im proud to say i have perfected the art of breakfast especially eggs and just the right toast.Chopping onions and tomatoes and what the pakistanis like to call masala:)
Unfortunately i think i might be hooked on tea.
I just keep waiting and waiting for the lights to suddenly go off and me to start cursing asif zardari and the pakistani goverment for thier uselessness.
Heres a list of names my mamu came up for me.
otheres that are really hard to pronounce.

All in all i had an wonderful time in pakistan despite the constant loadshedding.
Insomnia.People trying to put a truck of food in my stomach.
But i would be a liar if i said it isnt amzing to be free of the heat and humidity and lightlessness of pakistan and back in the reespite of an ac.which hopefully will never go of...

In the end happy birthday to arfa.
Love you blog.I just read all ive missed.

people and places

People come in so many different shapes sizes and colours they always surround you even if you dont want them to.
People are the ones who frequently raise you into an euphoric state.
People are frequenly the ones who cause you to scummb to despair.
People........ahhh what can i say.
They are completely unpredictable.
Even your best freiend since god knows when, your own kin even, can in a blink of an eye cange colours right there in front of you.
Every one around me seems to be shifting, into this unimaginably cruel and cold person.
There seems to this dark weave around me spun by is drunk spider, alienating everyone around me,pushing them further and further away.
i short once again my life sucks and i can see no way around this __________.

Benn in pakistan lately so havent really been able to blog and read others blog.

Is it me???

Two blogs in one day..record for me so far.
But Ive decided its about time i got this of my chest.
Saturday i went out with two of my friends; neemal and shabano.
That was supposed to be a girls night out or so i thought.What they were actually looking for was a chance to hook up with their guy friends.
And later they have audacity to cut ME out of their lives.
Is it me, or does the fact respect your friends wishes, respect their space no longer exist in the 21st century.
Unbelievable isn't it. How some people can be so cold and downright assholes to stamp all over their friends and thier feelings for personal gain.
At the moment im appalled and disgusted by my friends behaviour.
I would prefer to be friendless and alone then have such friends.
i honestly cannot wait to get to pakistan.
At least people there can pull of fake nice.

dreary summer days

I think the creavite part of my brain has come a complete shutdown.
I havent been able to blog since my exams got over.its annoying.
For all you out there who think im wierd heres another one for you.Ive recently developed this new habit of laying down on my bed, and staring up at the glow in the dark stars ive stck on the cieling listening to mellow songs mainly;
Savage gardens-truly madly deeply
Yeng constantino-if we fall in love.
I'll be right here waiting for fou.
hero-enrique eglasis
invisble-taylor swift.
you found me & how to save a life-the fray
And moctly chasing cars
Tear drops on my guitar-taylor swift
And your not sorry- taylor swift.
No promises-shayne ward

Its not really an emo trait, au contariar if you ever try it, you'll be amazed at how soothing, caliming relaxing listening to these songs can be.
Im leaving for pakistan on the 4th of july...
Hope it rains there.
Or the goverment finally realizes there are a large no of sources of electricity.
And they do not need to punish the people of pakistan just because....

little moments

Well the reason i havent updated my blog in so long, is merely the fact that i seen to have run out of ideas.Im making up to you using this blog.
Little moments, the words say it all dont they;
How many times have you heard the saying its the little moments in life that makeit worth living.
If you really think about it, and i mean really, if you just shut of that voice in your head and think about it, it is true.
But isnt it also true its the big moments in live thaat make it worth living.
worth living whaht does that even mean.
Does it mean you wake up in the morning and dont have to think, oh god why me.
Does it mean you go through an entire day not thinking god i hate my life.
Does it mean you sit with that content smirk on your face,all your sorrows forgotten.
Doesnt it mean taht one day instead of complaining about what you dont have your actually thankful to god for all the blessing He has bestowed upon you.
If you use this definion of worth living and combine it all togather; does it not all add upto something. like happiness maybe, maybe you dont feel like an oputsider in this universe.
Dont worry about the fact that no one has even botherd to call you, in the time that has passed since the end of school.
Your so called friends havent even called you.
Dont get me wrong this is not a call for help.

Schools over

Its been one day and i duuno how many hours since schools been out.
But i just cannot get it into my head that i will never have to walk down those halls towards 11g5, and secretly think holy shit where the hell a i.
Never look at certian faces and overcome with this urge to punch someone.
Never sit all through zero period and chat with my friends.
I dont know how many of my friends i will get to see in the near future.
Dont know if i will get to see any of them at all.
But yesterday as i sat there blair witch project(which btw i have become obsessed with), it came to me;i wont forget my friends; they made what was assured to be hell on earth, or a less drastic expirence;better.
I dont know what i want to do with my life, true, but one thing i know for sure is i dont want to be a "homemaker".
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's.

No promises by shayne ward

I just love listening to this song over and over again.
And after about 1 hour of trying to find a music player..i give up..
Im just posting the lyrics

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Every time you're near I feel like I’m in heaven, feeling high
I don’t want to let go, girl.
I just need you to know girl.

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

Here tonight

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Everytime you're near I feel like I’m in heaven, feeling high
I don’t want to let go, girl.
I just need you you to know girl.

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don’t want to run away, I want to stay forever, thru Time and Time..
No promises

I don’t wanna run away, I don’t wanna be alone
No Promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, now and forever my love

No promises

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight.

I just realized the fact that i have an exam tommorrow

I know i should probably be studying right about now but i just cannot tear myself away from watching the video of gives you hell again and again!!!


Why oh why must you taunt me so....
Last night i lay awake till 6 staring up at the ceiling when three things came to my mind.
Uno;I must figure out how to add videos to my blog.
Second;In my last post when i said life sucks;Dont get me wrong im not one of emo people,I should rephrase, What I mean to say was life has its ups and downs, i guess you could even say its the bad moments that make the good ones sweeter.
Its more or less like a chess game, it can go on as long as people want to keep playing it, or till one becomes hopeless and surrenders.
You win some you lose some.
This is how I would describe my 16 years of life.
I mean i would im good academically, im polite and respetful and i have "universal values", I have friends who have on numerous occasions tried to crack my bubble, with no luck nonetheless.
I would say my parents are pretty proud of me.
But something is missing.
Its like that song desperate by david arculeta you want somebody, just anybody to touch your soul tonight.
I havent achived much.
Im not a social worker.
I not all cheerful.
I still dont know half my classmates full names.
Im not all spiritual.
So what have I done with my sixeen years of life?
In decmber im going to be 17.
I hope before that time i can atleast be so confident that i have made a difference in someones life.
Been the reason someone wakes up every morning with a smile on thier face.
Contributed to change.
After all like gandhi said be the change you want to see in others.
So im quitting gossiping.
Im quitting being vindictive and vengeful.
And I might even hug my ex-loathees on the 12th.Might.
Oh before i forget the third thing.
Im in love with this song kiss me by six pence none the richer.I wanna upload it on my blog.

Im thinking

Reading a bitter truths blog and the fact that i could barely understand a word in physics made me think.
Im at the end of my high school.
And what ive learnt in my 16 years is that well the real world sucks.
Were taking steps towards adulthood.
Making choices as to how we want our life to be.
Leaving high school.
It means leaving what is sort of a safe haven for us.
Leaving people who are an integral part of our life.
Ive moved on before when i transferred to tws.
But I guess that since Ive matured considerably in my time here.Made friends, shared experiences with them ,this time its not going to be easy to move on.
The friends ive made here have been there for me through thick and thin, an ever ready shoulder to cry on(not that i did).
Stood by me and helped me along, hard as i tried to push them away.
Like an A.N.G.E.L.
Can you just erase a person who has had an enormous impact on you life like that???
A person who has been your milestone?
Given you that last sherd of hope when you really needed it?
I hope im not that easy to forget either.(coz that would kindo of suck)
so now just a week left till im in high school.
Shouldnt i be happy??
This really sucks.
I mean i cannot get my self to study.
Im still angry.
And im pretty sure my tear glands have stopped functioning.
I just really want to scream.
And I hate physics.
After chem im sure this will suck too.


Why is it that some people think theyre cleopetra or something, that they have a right to stomp theyre fucking feet all over other peoples feelings.
Why is it that people just assume the fact that oter people dont have any feeling just because they dont like to say it.
Why is people are such manupaliting bitches that they think its fine to use other people just because they actually use theyre brains for other purposes than omg hes soo cute.


I absoloutely hate the people who made my chemistry paper.
First of all i already had a headace,i had my periods, i was pretty much gonna kill the next person who spoke to me.How the hell am i supposed to concentrate.
I was actually doing fine till i realized omg i dont have a calculator.
That was when i started hyper ventelating. Perspiring. I dont know how but i managed to ask the teacher for a calculator. And she actually gave one to me.Sh took it from this other girl.
By that time i was all omg i dont like this calculator; What if it gives me a wrong answer.
Then i saw the last past.At that very moment i knew i was doomed.
I could feel the tears begining to prick my eyes.
I had to take 5 min to just calm my self.
Then I saw the Clock.
I dont have the best timeing abilities so i had to ask the teacher to tell me the time.
I was right there were only 20 minutes left and half my paper was blank.(The teacher gave me a very creepy look)
Anyways like ms mariama said let bygones be bygones, Fuck this and concentrate on the next paper.(she did not use fuck)
But im telling you if the next paper has a completely different pattern as well.
Im gonnna.....

Random facts I would rather no one knew about me

1.I had a crush on tarzan.Yes the disney tarzan.I know what you thinking,I my self cannot fathom the reason behind this.
2.I like watching the disney channel, yes even barbie.
3.When i get nervous for some reason my face starts itching.
4.I am afraid of the dark.I sleep with a torch under my pillow.
5.I actually like smelling my hands before an exam for some reason that makes me feel better.
6.i have violent dreams. I say I do not dream but the truth is I dream about terminator salvation esque scene.
7.I did not understand Edward cullen craze till well i duuno somehow i was just in love with him.
8.When i listen to a song i like imagining the video.
9.I like having flour of my face.
10.Recently i have been infatuated with the powerpuff girls.Last night i did not sleep because i kept replaying some creepy powerpuff girls episode in my head.
11.When a cute guy talks to me my brain hurts,probably coz im thinking of something clever to say.Which comes out totally wrong.
12.I thought barbie was the queen of the worlds name.
13.I thought Quaid azam was my grandfather, even though they both look really different.
14.I say I hate kids but sometimes i dont, well most times i dont.
15.I punthure my teddy bears stomach when im pissed.

What i do when im bored

*Phone rings*
Saba picks up *dead voice*....heloo
Me; Hi saba??
Saba how r u??
Me;omg did u hear N gt a bf
Saba; No freaking way
ME;mmhmm and so did urdu nerd
Saba;*Shocked* No Way
Me; Ahann
Saba;Says something me to busy is watching matthew magconahy
Me;huh wtf
Saba;omg wht r u gonna do
Me;abt what
Saba;u know when you boyfriend(when you finally find the one) says i love you, youre gonna be like huh???
hes gonna be like i love u
youre gonna be huh....I love grays anatomy.
Hes gonna be like wtf
Me;Heyyyyy so not true
ME;well you know ifyou bf says i love you ud jump him
ME;Why are you proud of that.
Saba; I hate Chem
Me;i know

Continues for about and hour

Sortof related to the last post

Ok the last post it dosent how the fact that im emo or something its just one of those days, i hope other people have, well not really thst would be kind of cruel but but just so i dont end the only freak.
So yes getting back to the point im tired of looking at my chem book, because it is ugly, just horrid truth be told.
Today moring i waited 2 hours exactly just so i wouldnt have to get up and look at that *%*$*$ book.
It did not help, since i had to spend the rest of my day looking at it.
But i suppose since the exams are like two days away i have to.
I just remembered this thing Ry keeps asking me how do i motivate my self, i attempted to figure it coz, because truth be told i was completly cluless as to the awnser.
Then I remembered this book called the other side of midnight by sidney sheldon had this sort of line i never have been able to forget; it went like" i dont want to end up like them(refering to her family), just going along without being" at least i think thats how it went.
So yes.
Ahh im tired i want a new book!!!!!!

Broken strings

All i want is one reason, one reason as to why I force my self out of bed.
One reason as to why i have to spend countless hours walking amongst those i no longer find to be a part of me.
Why i have to tire for people who don't even recognise me.
who never take my feelings my thoughts into account.
Why must I spend all this time trying to please those who are never pleased no matter how hard i might try. No matter how broken I am.
Can no one see. I can no longer force myself to inhale, because if i do is there any guarantee i might ever exhale.
My heart my mind, no longer respond to my pleas, to just go on for this live.
Just stick it through find the light at the end of this tunnel.
But is there really any light at all.
Or am I just going through all this plight for nothing.
They say to me its the hard times that make the good times better.
But what if the hard times never end.
Will these ghosts never leave me.
Will these shadows, these horrid memories never cease to haunt me, to tease me.
I can no longer see the light they all talk about, no longer see the hope they all converse about.
I can no longer wait till He decides to end my plight to spare me.

Just few random things

Well yesterday i was watching this surprisingly boring excuse for a movie, but one thing this guy who i think may be the protagonist said was; ughhh what do you women want why don't you just rite a book, then the woman made a heart sign, and then i kind of zoned out.
But really if you think about it what women really need, actually want no matter how independent they claim to be, is in fact a prince charming, they re knight in shinning armour.Even though most of us may not admit it but we to like to pampered, need to feel loved, need some to be they re romeo,and say words like •"One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun
Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun."
Or is it?
Would Cinderella have kept on sweep floors and serve her step family had the shoe fit her step sister?
Would Rapunzel finally have the fact that ladder exist is her prince charming had given up on her.
would the dwarfs finally figured out the Heimlich maneuver and snow white would have gotten up and gotten a job.

Also i kind of noticed that i have become obsessed with writing on my blog, for some bizarre reason.
I really this song i just heard Anna nalick's breath, its technically supposed to be a depressing song, but strangely enough makes me feel exuberant


my list of hotness

i loved him when he had short normal hair

how could any list be complete without me amour

ok mariam you were right he is chaud

he looks amazing in this pic j'adore
and hes in the next twilight movie

Perfect combo of bad boy and i dont give a damn...heart beating...faster and faster


I woke up at 5am today and saw first hand what the first... second i dunno light of the day feels like.OF course i did go right back to sleep.
I ve deloped a certian fascination towards my pillow for some reason, at leat that is what the picture my brother took shows.
Nothis like seeing birds at it to make you feel grossed out at nature.
Wow people are really studying, like its the day of earth. I really like that movie.
MUST.SEE. ANGELS AND DEMONS. Loved the book, specially the awesome han writing, i wish i could write like that.
I just rediscoverd my love for romantic comidies, nothing like a dose of just like heaven to rignite you emoness.
I lourve all american rejects theyre so cool.
Hope it gives you hell....
i need to start doing something constructive with my life

.......i have no idea whats wrong with me...


Time and tide wait for no man...
Proverbs, often meant to be metaphorical, funny how true they sometimes seem.
I mean just think about it; one minute your a little plumb toddler in your mummy's arms, the next your walking talking and annoying everyone with your nonstop blabbering, the next your starting school. You no longer want your mom and dad to be there. Youve made friends, life couldnt be better.
You close your eyes to inhale and enjoy this moment, you wake up and your life just took a sudden u-turn to hell. Well its over now so you exhale, but youve never quiet recovered, you just wait cautious and alert for the next blow.
Youre in grade 9 youve just started a new school, you hate every minute of it. But then you meet people and you think its not so bad, so u stick your chin up, keep a stiff upper lip and just suck it up.
You closed your eyes for just one second and you wake up and your in mid-term the teachers droning on about something, you couldnt care less.Your surrounded by people saying things, you see this mouths moving but you dont here anything.
Finally its summer break. You rejoycing with a drink and all the junk food you could find, enjoying the bliss of being alone.An bam your in grade 11 and holy shit just a week, barely even left for your IGCSE exams and your blogging, but you just needed to get this out, or we just might have to post another entry about how bored you are.

>>>>>>>BLah <<<<<<<<<

SO IGCSE examination....Holy shit!!!!!!!!
My last few exams have just managed to cross the OK line, by 0.000000002!!
And i dunno what i did in bio.. i mean i was pretty sure of my graph.But then i found out that it was wrong apparently. This kind of really really sucks, not just the I'm exaggerating because im such a drama queen, but really as in literally totally, sukily but yes. So Mari yes im not oficially in your were gonna fail group.
My mind apparently is still slumbering so cant get any normal post outta it.
btw..does my mom dosent allow phones, she thinks theyre evil, kind make it obvious you dont wanna give your phone number????

Here in your arms

I like,
Where we are,
When we drive,
In your car.
I like,
Where we are,

Cause our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Our lips can touch,

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

I like,
Where you sleep,
When you sleep,
Next to me.
I like,
Where you sleep,

Our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Cause our lips can touch,

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Our lips can touch.
Our lips can touch,

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your...

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite, miss you quite..."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now theres no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Here in your arms.
Oh, here in your... arms.


Groupism, definition-noun the tendency to conform to the general thinking and behavior of a group.
we see it all around us you can call them cicks you can call them sisterhood of the travelling pants, its still groupism.
Im not judging anyone or saying we should all be one big happy family.No,I myself am groupist, I conform to the genral thinking and behaviour of a group.The point im trying to convey is that sometimes its a bit too much specially when members or a particular group form thier own group and get all yeah its kinda personal, you know its her thing. And then they ask you dude why dont you talk to us, you think i dont love you.Seriously dont you think when certian people who you think are really good friends just form thier own group and try to be all secretive and dont even mention the names of the people in fron of you.Can you blame someone for just getting up and talking to people who actually bother including you in a conversation.Really.
Why did you have to go and make things so complicated.

Nothing in particular

We I am attempting to write that all mature and you sophisticated.
Lets see. So this post is genrally gonna be about hpw much i think the universe should start revolving around me, so you just disontinue reading.
I am marvelled at the amout of free time I have on my hands, honestly if you notice the fact that i have been able to follow up all of my blogs with yet another meaningless blabber you would realize what im talking about here.
Now concerning my view of the entire world being filled with sorry souls just drifting around purpouseless with thier minds full of" omg my life sucks", its not that im emo or something its just that well I dunno I PMS a lot i guess, but like anyother normal human being I have a brain which gives me the ability to think and for some reason i find my self concerned with bigger thoughts omg my bf was totally flirting with tha bitch.. ugg i hate him. Well really i mean there are things like cancer HIV and variously diseases in the world, many people are dying from it, hell we have IGCSE exams in 8 freaking days and all people can think is that do you think this lipstick goes with my dress.
Lastly i thnink that the minstry of education needs to really review theyre examination boards (if they have any). And you tell what is death, how am i supossed to know that when im still very much breathing.
So do you think this was mature and or sohisticted plz comment:D

Arabic and islamic

Tomorows my Arabic and Islamic exams and i am freaking otta my little head.
Nothing is sticking in, personally i think its physics and maths fault.
And i just realized why islamic notebook was made, i have no i dea what questions are coming and my book is all torn apart!!!!!!!


Wow it just keeps getting screwed up and screwed uper, even though i know that's not a word.
Just when i think I'm finally almost done, more thing pop up. Like i though i finished chem but turned out i forgot almost all or grade 9. whohoo. And i still have past papers and I'm spending like so much time just sitting surrounded by all these book that im getting claustrophobic. This really sucks. I just want to get this over with at the same time I wasnt like a lot of A* so I can get a sony VIO.
And why isn't coming online, i mean really dudes i need someone to talk to like right now.
Can someone please call me!!!!I'm dying here. Well not really...I just i forgot where i was going with this.
So now I have to do maths and Paper 6 for physics and stuff since i stuck at them.

Moving on

Today at graduation this girls speech really mad me think. I mean i might make it soung like "phew what a relief hight school is finally over", but really when you think about it im not really that cold.
There are parts of high school that i wont miss like the whiny creepy plastic bimbos from planet omg look at me. or discrimination agains shor people making them stand in order, or the excessive racism, groupism etc(even though the teacher(who do it them selves) state otherwise). or our stupid uniforms, especially the pinafors which make me look really fat btw. All that u must wear only white bands or knee lenght socks and all that crap, did i mention the OBD retards. oh yeah i did.
Even though that is a long long list, there are some parts of high school i will miss; my friends for exampe (im gonna list em all out): Saba(u were in my old school and bff), sundus(my first friend in tws: <3),Rimsha (<3 <3), mariam ahmed(<3 <3) mariam bint, sara abbas, amna, afifa, ayesha, warda touqir.
And the awesome times we spend togather.and um..nothing else really coz TWS sucks :)


Well here I am graduated without even giving my exams.Im not being sarcastic i mean how many people can boost the fact that they graduated without even overcoming those nightmarish excuse for making our lives even more tormenting, EXAMS.
It was kinda ok you know i got really scared on stage and kinda ran as soon as i got my "Course Completion" certificate. And I hit like two people when i threw my hat, talk about knocking out two birds with a stone.
I couldnt even enjoy it because they made us sit in height order(which i think is dricimination against people who are normal height by the unusally tall). and i didnt not really like the person next to me. I did notice that all the other people in my class got to sit togather. IM not really a conspiricay freak or anything but really one two many incidents like that do make you wonder.
I was a bit dissapointed actually that i dint get any awards I mean, not trying to be a pompus retard or anything but i do works hard, not just me but fie and richie they work pretty hard to. OMG i think it was ms mariama who chose people for the award. That would explain a lot. That racist __bag.

To Naina

I just found out ns mom passed away and i have to say i was completly shocked for like 2 mins and kept reading arfus blog entry.
I dont really know her mom that well but ive met her in my old school HHES and talked to her on the phone. She was really nice and so bubbly.
Naina i hope ur doing okay.
Im here for you babe<3


Well Im sitting here bored as hell.....and listening to this song because of you; and i have realized im over britney wooho.
This song is really awesome, the words are just so profound and deep and her voice, kell klarkson reallky add magic to this song. I would add it to my blog bt i dot really know how.
Im watching high school musical three; wow zacs gay. vanessa is creepy yeah i dunno why im watching this. well i wouldnt be if someone would be nice enough to come online.But i guess every ones busy craming for the exams. It finally hit me we just have 20 days left and im listening to if u seek amy. OMGG. Thank you fie.
What would my blog be if it didnt hav exclamation marks soo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Let me see.......iv e been attempting to study thsts not really working so well for me, its really hard to study when your this addicted to tv and well tv.Im thinking of getting a book to read. I tried reading an ebook but one and half hour later i ended up with really big puffy red eyes well actually they were kindof maroonish, i dunno whats the deal with that.
Islamic Islamic, wny does thou want to kill me, i mean 7 freaking chapters and the questions dear God one chapter has 115 of them,and im not making this up. Seriously is this the ministry of educations way of torturing and angonise us poor students(specially me.
Ive developed this sudden what is a proper word to describe it ah yes infatuction with britney spears and some of her songs (namely:hit me baby one more time, you drive me crazy,and If you seek amy), and i know everyone whose reading this will have a lot words that are synonyms with crazy to describe me, but what can I say. In words of a very wise person thats just how cool I am.
......I know i havent blogged in a while but i have absolutely nothing to blogg.Well that is completley untrue i have a lot to say about a lot but..i dunno im all jumbled up...probably because i spent the last three hours sitting in the front of the computer trying to figure out what in the hell is exactly wrong wid the computer!!
and before that i was attempting to do maths.and right about now i want to muder the man who invented maths in the most horrendous way i can!!!

Hard times

There are times in every red blooded RBC containing human bieng when you are overwhelmed with this sudden urge to just make it all end,whe you lose all hope,when you feel like nothing can ever change,nothig can make it any better,it can get only get worse from this point forward,when you urge to just be able to slow it down,destroy diminish this pain thats surging though you in firey,killing every shred of hope inside you,without even the tiniest hint of mercy, of regret, of sorrow,leaving you with so much sweltring pain that you loophole,your only way to get out,to be free,is to give it all up,just surrender.
At times like these its worth remembering what life has to offer,not the many brutalies you have sufferd at its hand.Just take a deep breath and smile.Its got to end somewhere somehow.
I know this is very emo and depressing but its true for everone

FlAiR fUsIoN

The sixth form students had the exicting and brilliantly organized "event" entitled the flair fusion...oh wait did i just use the words exicting and well organized in the same sentence as flair fusion...oops what i meant was some what bland and dissaryed.This is the part where A.S.would remark sarcastic and cynical rabi!!
What does that even mean.well im not getting into details of how badly planned and lacking in creativity the event was.NO i think i am.Well the fashion show was i think the only attraction it had to offer.The other dances and performances i can comment on really because i didnt get to see them.But really we have to give the sixth form a bit of credit seeing as they did organize and think up the entire event all on thier own..oh wait no wasnt it the 2005th year of 12th graders,and did it not have the same event and order as last year and the year before(yes yes i know cynical and sarcastic).

Anyway im not going to get into all the details of that mainly because there are much better thing to discuss.
me and S.A. decided to go to sahara to get something to eat as well we were famished.
and i couldnt walk in my 3 inch stilletos so i walked barefoot for a while and then because my feet had splinters and were aching saba let me borrow hers...which broke after i took two steps!!i kept apologising to her all the way and she making me feel guilty.
some where along the way i was pretty sure we were lost and i was gonna hit her on head with my oversized canadizn university bag if sahara center had not emerged as the sudden sunshine, and glass bits on the road.
I think sahara kept moving 2 steps backward as i moved two steps forward just to tease me.Anyway when we got ther i had to walk barefoot as saba wouldnt let me wear my shoes.and i didnt really because no one was really looking.
Then we rushed to the food courts(barefeet)after we finished washing our feet,and like hungry bears.

note:i was just critizing and being cynical and sarcastic about my school,i really enjoyed the flair fusion when my feet wernt really aching and A>S> and R>K> and G>L>N> were dr.
Espeially r>K and my dancing and etc....
and i really learned a valuable lesson never wear stilletoes to a party where u are pretty sure u will have to do a lot of walking!

The tryth about love



Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction.This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have

the chinese symbol for love