something....anything...

I know i have been absent from the blogging scene for quite some time.My sincerest apologies.
I felt the need to vent today all of a sudden.
So heres what happened, I went to sleep in a total complete stae of bliss, not a care in the world and dove headfirst into the sack(literally).
I woke up a bit earlier than i usually do to find myself all depressed and weak.Curled into a shivering ball sobbing my eyes out bneath blankets all the while trying to remail quite (no easy feat let me tell you).I could not and still cannot fathom the reason behind this.
Why why why.Is the question ive been asking my self for the part hour and a half.
I thought i was happy, slightly more so compared to my usual morose self.Turns out my body has learned to decieve as well.
First it was just a facade, a smile on my lips,forced,conversating with my frinds my family all ceery,forced.Now the rest of me has learned to play along.To act like nothing wrong.Just drift through this haze looking all shiny and unschathed.Had to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really try to find joy in things people do.In having good grades in family in the company of caring friends.I thought i was, turning normal that is.
Apparently my mind refuses to continue this charade any longer.
I dont understand what im feeling.I feel like im missing something i desperatly want and need something.
What What is the only question that remains  now.
I cannot keep doing this any longer.
I cannot keep pretending its fine.
But i cannot as it is just burst out in front of every one,tell everyone what in feeling, see what they think.
Maybe because i dont want counselling, or maybe i do.
All i know is that i dont want to be a green alien anylonger.

sono il suo schiavo!