The girl in the mirror

A chanced look at myself in the mirror;a old photo, enough to trigger a escapade of pent up emotions.
I look at myself now, compare my weary face with the bags under my eyes and the frown lines that appear to be etched into my forhead.Compare that to this picture of me taken way back like when i was in 7 or 6.
I cant believe so much has changed.Im a different person,essentialy,i understand more now,i kow things that i wish i ahd known back then.
Like never to love, never to let anyone into your secret fortress.They always break your trust, make you resntful and make you loathe and mistrust everything and everyone.
Makes you a cold hearted ice bitch as one "friend" called me.
When i love, i tend to love.In everypossible way you can love someone.I become this needy and soul-sucking demon-ish person.
I give and I give and yet never get anything in return.
Ive always needed a pair of wings to shield myslef against the cruel and unjust world.I guess ive always been too insecure to experience life for my self.To be independant,which, despite all my claims, im not.
I wish someone had told me before hand that all this was going to haappen, that i was going to end up this miserable wreck of a person.Untrusting and with a semifrozen heart.
Ahh.....
Help.
What a word right, a friend just now told me she would like to help me.
But can she.
Can anyone....
Or am i really so beyond reapir even divine intervention cant save me.

the emo virus

Im here i love you,i dont care if you need to stay up crying all night ill stay here with you.
thers nothing you can ever do to loose my love.
I will proyect you until you die,even after your death ill still protect you.
I am stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

                                                                                    -eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
It seems to all around us;me;nowadys;people just just breaking apart.And me feeling all helpless and unable to do anything at all for them.Any one who might know me even the slightest bit may know that i do not like being in such situations.
Im usually the sort of person that is on top of everything.Planning ahead for almost everything.Ever prepared and ready to roll...Quiet the contol freak.
But as it turns out i cannot master a situation where im supoosed to help a person in distress.I dont know what to say.How not to be sarcastic.Be a bright little ray of sunshine.Maybe thats exactly why i havent really been there for me much either.
And here i tjought i may have a dgree in physocoly.tsk tsk.
I dont understand what im going through right now,my thoughts are so muddled,my brain is more or less a haze;being the selfish little ambilvlant i am, cant really find it inside my self to help anyone.To offer words of comfort.
And not being in control of it all just freaks me out i guess.I want to help;i want to be there butt i dont know dont understand what im supposed to say supposed to do.
And yet again this blog entry ends with me trying to shake off the ever looming and ever present and extremly unwanted company of depression and lonliness.
Maybe one day ill be able to solve my own issues with everything and be able to be there for my friends.
Maybe i could be a good friend a good shoulder to cry on.

Right now just attempting to perfect il bel far niente (the beauty of doing nothing).
im my favourite and possibly the sexies language i want to know....italiano...

something....anything...

I know i have been absent from the blogging scene for quite some time.My sincerest apologies.
I felt the need to vent today all of a sudden.
So heres what happened, I went to sleep in a total complete stae of bliss, not a care in the world and dove headfirst into the sack(literally).
I woke up a bit earlier than i usually do to find myself all depressed and weak.Curled into a shivering ball sobbing my eyes out bneath blankets all the while trying to remail quite (no easy feat let me tell you).I could not and still cannot fathom the reason behind this.
Why why why.Is the question ive been asking my self for the part hour and a half.
I thought i was happy, slightly more so compared to my usual morose self.Turns out my body has learned to decieve as well.
First it was just a facade, a smile on my lips,forced,conversating with my frinds my family all ceery,forced.Now the rest of me has learned to play along.To act like nothing wrong.Just drift through this haze looking all shiny and unschathed.Had to catch up with me sooner or later.
I really try to find joy in things people do.In having good grades in family in the company of caring friends.I thought i was, turning normal that is.
Apparently my mind refuses to continue this charade any longer.
I dont understand what im feeling.I feel like im missing something i desperatly want and need something.
What What is the only question that remains  now.
I cannot keep doing this any longer.
I cannot keep pretending its fine.
But i cannot as it is just burst out in front of every one,tell everyone what in feeling, see what they think.
Maybe because i dont want counselling, or maybe i do.
All i know is that i dont want to be a green alien anylonger.

sono il suo schiavo!

Stupidity

Idiot bimbo1:Why is the kaabah blakc?
Even more idiotic imbo 2:Duh!coz blacks hot.
Me:WTH *stunned silience*
O wait it does get better, the islamic teacher is standing there and just laughs it off.
What gets me even more pissed is the fact NO ONE said anything to that freak.NOt even me,granted im not the stand up and start fighting kind of person,the least i could have done have attempted to knock some sense into that thick skull of her.
Im not gonna mention a name,because even though i dont think she has enough brain in her to be able to read,I have managed to get into trouble for mentioning names (courtsey a few).
What amazes me is how can someone mock thier own religion like that,and not be rebuked by an entire class of what 20 students not to mention a really elderly islamic teacher.

does this picture not make sense???

Image from postsecret :D

pictures say a thousand words

I've been roaming around always lookin down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that i could use somebody....

Ive always wanted you....Always needed....Always loved you

You were the only thing that held me togather,when i was so close to the edge....


Every kiss.....every touch.....the way you held me.....


I miss it all,But most of all.....i miss you



Images from here

I still dont know what to do

Ive always known id want to be somebody not just anybody,i want to travel the world, i want to live on my own terms.I want to be free with no one to hold me back(the reason the im against marriage)
My dreams my aspirations my professions have changed every month every week sometimes.One day i want to be a vampire slayer anotheri want to be a secret agent(Bear in mind i was 12).I always thopught id know what i want to do when tyhe time comes.
But now when its time to actually choose a path in completely flabbergasted.Seriously,I have no frigging idea as to what i want to do.I just know i want to be really rich and travel and stuff.
So if you people would help me and leave some suggestions as to what you think i should do.PLEASE

P.s.I ahve a black theme wohooooo